As you have known, Tsuji Nozomi (nickname: Nonta) has graduated on 30th November. With the recent incident, Nonta has been showered with a lot of negative cheering. Looking at that, my heart really hurts.
Even though I’m not a very old fan, I would always get in Nonta’s line at the Handshake events, and was able to be healed a lot by her smile and kind interactions.
That’s why now for Nonta’s sake, I have been thinking what I can do for her. And that’s why I wrote this.
This is not some kind of a Novel, nor is it my Delusion. These are all my own personal stories.
I want to convey it to all of you that in my eyes, as one of her fans, what kind of a girl I saw her as.
Even though I’m poor at writing, it would be nice if at least one more person would understand Nonta’s whole picture.
Previously, Nonta said that she was longing to be an idol since she was a child, and she did it. Although her time with SKE48 was very short, it was the most precious moment of her life, and also for her fans. I hope that this article can serve as a proof of her promising career with various achievements, which stopped abruptly.

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My Memories of Nonta

Chapter 1:

“Did you see? Nonta’s…”

Last week on Thursday afternoon, when I went down to the First floor to have coffee at the convenience store, suddenly I received a message from my friend.

On the link attached to the mail were two photographs. One was a picture I knew very well. And one more was a Purikura which I saw there the first time.

Well, it’s not the first time now, is it?

Earlier this year, in spring, there was a photoshopped image which was leaked, and that was when I thought to myself “They are doing this to this level now!?” But then, there was nothing that happened, and things were calm after that.

Under debut in S5 stage, debut as Zebra angel, and also Kenkyuusei debut, E4 stage under debut and all she has safely completed. There is no doubt about that. Fortunately, there was no problem at all.

As I replied to my friend “Hope everything turns out good this time as well”, I returned to my office. But I don’t know why, I was feeling really scared this time.

I would receive a lot of mails from Nonta everyday, for example, that she couldn’t wake up on time this morning, or about what she ate for lunch, or about the lessons in the evening, or about her colleagues, or reply to some funny comments on 755. But that evening there was nothing at all.

Again and again, I would take out my cellphone on the Train, on the Bus, inside the convenience store, and check. But there was nothing. Unread mails(0). The most recent received mail was the one with “Good night” on Tuesday night.

“Thanks for your hard work today!
Hatagon got accidentally cut off (LOL)
I’ll go to sleep now because tomorrow also I have to get up early!
Good night!”

And the one before that was about the backdancers in the S stage.

“I finished my work as the Backdancer today~
Today, with Lessons and the backdancers I had totally no free time!
What did you do today?
Tell me~”

My inbox was full of messages from Nonta. Sometimes I would also feel like this is such an annoying girl!

Everyday she would send so many mails, and that too sometimes it would be very boring stuff!

While the pictures were building up in my inbox, sometimes I would think who is this!? and even on 755 she would repeat the same picture. But that night, no matter what, I wanted her mail to come. It’s okay if it was some boring stuff. It’s okay if it’s the same picture. I was thinking in my heart, “It doesn’t matter what, just post something already!”

And then at 8 that evening, my phone suddenly vibrated. It was Nonta!

“Good evening!
Since it is really cold these days, be careful as to not catch a cold.
Good night”

Short. No pictures. Even no more than 2 emojis.

And more than anything else, saying Good night at 8PM was something I had never seen her doing before this.

Something strange. That too “Be careful as to not catch the cold” was something which gave me even more of a bad premonition.

“It’s just your imagination. There must be nothing like that.”

Holding both my hands, Nonta cast a smile like always.

That was in my last Handshake event. Before that I had gone to see her in the Kenkyuusei stage.

It was a wonderful performance though, but for some reason, right from the middle of the stage, Nonta’s face turned pale, and I thought I even saw slight tears in her eyes during “Sakura no Hanabiratachi”.

I was a bit shocked, and asked her about it.

“I had gone to see the stage, you know.”

“I know! How was it? Did you watch Nonta properly?”

“I was watching you the whole time! But did you start crying from the middle? I was so worried… Or was it my imagination?…”

“It was your imagination! There’s nothing like that!” keeping her natural smile.

“Really?” because I kept watching her the entire time from the start till the end, so I couldn’t believe it. Maybe it was really my imagination…

“It’s almost time” the staff told me.

Nonta keeps holding my hands the whole time.

I was waiting for her to say “Come the next time as well, okay!”

“Thank you for watching me so closely” was the only thing she said!

Chapter 2:

Tsuji Nozomi. Nickname “Nonta”. From Nara prefecture. 19 years old.

When she asks “Who is the healing tsundere girl who has come from the world of Yamato?” and we all answer “Nonta!!”

With loud cheers there shined brightly a lot of Orange coloured penlights. “My name is Tsuji Nozomi, you can call me Nonta.”

She bows down deeply as her cheeks turn red. 7D2 had so many girls who were shining brightly on stage. And within that, Nonta stood out because of her pretty appearance and… age. It was really strange to become an Idol at 18, and I asked her directly in the Handshake Event.

“Why do you want to become an Idol, Nonta?”

“I always wanted to become an Idol from when I was young.”

“But you joined SKE48 at the age of 18, right? Why is that?”

Maybe I asked that very logically and with a very suspicious expression on my face… And I think I really regret that now.

“I went to different auditions, but I didn’t get selected.”

Without even a slight discomfort, she kept looking into my eyes. She just honestly answered my question. With her usual sweet smile.

The usual kind smile which calms my heart down always and heals me. But this time it looked like there was a slight melancholic feeling in her eyes. No, maybe it wasn’t grief, rather silence…

I still don’t know. But in any case she had that mysterious charm in her which always pulls me towards her.

So the girl who has such a smile is in fact, what kind of a girl?

I was a bit curious.

A few years back, on the show AKB to XX, there was a segment where they had to call a person up who wanted “to be cheered up by an AKB48 member” and the person Komori Mika-san had called there was a 14 year old girl from Nara prefecture, “Tsuji Nozomi”.
“It might be really boring though, but I live with my mother and we have to do all sorts of household work everyday. So please cheer me up.”

If this was Nonta here, we can imagine what sort of a life 14 year old Nonta was living in Nara. Living with her mother, and must do all sorts of household work everyday. When you compare this with the usual kids of the same age, she had a bigger burden on her head to do a lot of these activities.

The other day when it was the anniversary of the release of the passing of the 7th Gen 3rd round auditions, Nonta had mentioned on her 755 that she had to run to do her part-time job after the recording, since she was already getting late for it.

Part-time jobs, household work, praising Idols. This Nonta does not fit the usual image of a High school student.

What other paths do you want to choose if you did not become an idol? She replied to this on her 755 saying that “Even I want to go to University”. Maybe Nonta had also looked forward to the activities as a University student.

Chapter 3:

On a Handshake Event this summer that I met Nonta for the first time. Since I felt tired with my job and started to consider a career change then, it was a hard time for me.

The person before me has finished. A staff called me and said “Next person, please.”. Having my hands checked by staff, I moved on, and my hands were held by a girl. She looked at me gently with a sweet smile.

“This is my first visit. How do you do? I feel glad to see you.” I said, the usual greeting. She also greeted me. My hands were firmly held and pulled right to her chest, and I could feel the warmth in her palms.

What should I say now? I wondered.

“Actually, I am a foreigner.” I said.

“Really? Where are you from?” She asked.

“I’m from China.” I replied.

I said this to almost every member at my first visit. And there are two usual replies. One is “It’s amazing! Your Japanese is so fluent!” “It’s amazing” seems to be a panacea since it can be used in any situation. Also, for a foreigner, “You’re very fluent in Japanese” is a gracious praise. Another is “Really? From China? Ni-hao (=Hello, or Wo-Ai-Ni=I love you)”. For a foreigner, a greeting in his/her mother tongue is also affable.

I wondered which one will Nonta says. But what she said is

“How long have you been in Japan?”

I was surprised, and answered in a slightly trembling voice.

“Your Japanese is really good. Did you learn it before you came to Japan?”

No. Because I had not thought about going to Japan at first, I had no preparation for Japanese. Since I arrived in Japan, I was busy with my work and had no time to attend some Japanese language school. I learnt Japanese from Japanese people around me. I tried to follow their words and mimic their way of speaking, and gradually I found that I can speak and understand Japanese.

“I see.” Holding my hands, she sighed lightly, and said, “I feel deeply sorry to hear that. You must have been through a lot, haven’t you? How are you now? Are you happy with your life?”

I was too shocked to answer anything and got pushed out by the staff.

In a Handshake Event, each member has to shake hand with almost 300 fans for each slot. That is, a member has to deal with 300 topics, and work out a reply immediately. This really requires heavy elaborations. Therefore, it is understandable that a member gives only some sloppy reply. But Nonta’s reply to me is not sloppy at all.

I cannot say that Nonta is Kami-taiou (i.e., always gives appropriate reply) or Tsuri-shi (i.e., good at grasping fans’ hearts by words). What she did is only to put herself in my shoes, and to treat me as an equal person with respect and sympathy. I feel deeply impressed.

On the other hand, she must also have been through a lot herself; otherwise she may not be able to say something like “You must have been through a lot, haven’t you?”

Thinking of this, I feel a little sorrowful for her.

Chapter 4:

In the Kenkyuusei stage, Nonta has a unit song “Anata to Christmas Eve”. I like that song very much, and watched all Nonta’s versions on DMM.

“Somewhere in the world, you whisper
A lovers’ promise
Surely, starting from today, right?
Merry Christmas, and I love you.”

Bathed in the dark blue light, she sang that song in a soft voice. Looking at the audience, she smiled sweetly and gently. I always can feel that she is longing for someone when singing this song. Longing for someone, or, perhaps, falling in love with someone.

I am not sure. But I would be very glad if my feeling is right. She must have been through a lot, perhaps suffered a lot. Even though she looks tough, she must have very fragile parts in her heart. It must be a very good thing for her if she has someone to love and take care of her carefully.

However, as we know, unfortunately.

“I like Nonta’s Christmas Eve very much.” I told her once in a Handshake Event.

“You said you like it, but you have not yet come to see our performance, have you?” She looked a little angry.

She is right. Until then I had not yet come to SKE48 Theatre to see the Kenkyuusei stage.

“Could you please come and see us? Even once is fine.” She said.

What should I say? I was busy with my work then. Also, since I was considering a career change and not sure about my salary next year, it seems too lavish to travel to Nagoya for a performance. But I could not tell her about these. I only shook my head.

“Is that because of your work?”

I nodded. I have mentioned some troubles in my work briefly to her before.

“What happened? Please tell me!” She looked quite worried.

I can only shake my head in silence.

But suddenly I made up my mind at that moment that I will apply for a Kenkyuusei stage as soon as possible; and, if I get lucky, I will go to Nagoya to see it.

Fortunately, I won the ticket lottery, and went to Nagoya to see that performance. I found that about one eighth of the audience that day were Nonta fans. When she was introducing herself, or singing, or saying something, tremendous Orange coloured penlights shone up; loud cheers echoed around the theatre.

Nonta had many fans. Not just in the theatre. Her Handshake Tickets always sold out fast, and, naturally, it takes a long time to wait in her line in the Handshake Event.

“Nonta, you have many fans. You don’t need my support, do you?” Once I asked her in a Handshake Event. Quite a mean question.

“No, I don’t have so many fans.” She replied. Her smile looked a little uneasy.

“Look at those people after. There are so many fans of you, right?” I continued my mean question.

“No, not so many. Please don’t say that.”

Her smile looked solitary. Noticing that she may have been hurt by my question, I tried to change the topic in a rush. However, my time was almost over then.

Now, among those who are hurling abuse at Nonta on the internet, how many of them have been waiting in her line in Handshake Events? How many of them have been waving up Orange coloured penlights and cheering for her in the theatre?

Conversely, how about that 19-year-old girl saying “I have not so many fans” with a solitary smile? What could she think about when seeing those negative cheers on the internet?

I don’t know, and I cannot guess.

“Nonta! I am here! I saw your performance! It’s perfect!”

I said to Nonta at the end of that performance, the Miokuri time.

“Thank you. Please come again. Twice, three times, many times. Please!”

Her reply and expression then still remains vividly in my mind.

That was the first time I saw her performance, and, perhaps, the last time. If I had known this at that time, what I would have done then? Perhaps, I would have cheered for her more loudly; I would have looked at her more carefully; I would have treasured every second in the theatre more seriously.

But now it is too late.

Still I want to see her performance. Still I want to talk to her; I haven’t even said “I like you very much” to her yet. I promised to send her some presents, but I have not sent them out yet.

Indeed, 48 group has many excellent members. Compared with Nonta, they may be more excellent, even more “clean”.

But the girl who calls my name and holds my hands with a warmly and sweet smile, the 19-year-old girl who sings a song with a gentle voice full of longings, it is only Nonta. And now I lost her forever.

Acknowledgement
This article is originally written in Chinese under the title “我認識的辻のぞみ” (“The Tsuji Nozomi that I know”). It is then translated into Japanese with some small adjustments under the title “のんたの思い出”(“My Memories of Nonta”) with the help of Tung Wen Chung. Now it is co-translated into English with Hayate Low based on the Japanese version, and is proofread by “Aidolmayuyu” and “KudoShinichi”. The author would like to express special gratitude to Mr Tung, Hayate Low, and the two proofreaders. The author thanks the manager ske48matomelog site for allowing us to publish the Japanese version there. Also, the author thanks AQ, Caven Chan, Hayate Low, Makura, Porte, Pluto Tang, Shu Han Yang, Shu Hao Yu, 杜冰旋，Yu-wei Li, and all readers, commentators and forwarders in 百度贴吧，Facebook，PTT, 新浪微博, twitters, ske48matomelog, etc. Without their warmly helps, advices and encouragements, this article cannot be completed. Of course, all mistakes, errors, and inanities remaining are entirely the author’s responsibility. Last but not the least, it should be noted that not everyone mentioned above is a fan of Nonta, but all of them hope that she can recover soon, and would like to show their regards and best wishes to her. They, including the author, are looking forward to seeing Nonta again.